Help, Hug, or Hear? The Secret Code of Supercommunicators
Last week, I shared my takeaways from How to Talk to Anyone, a book full of tips for starting conversations and making a good impression.
This week, I went a level deeper with Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg. If the first book was about talking, this one is about connecting.
So let’s grab a coffee and dive right in.
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| Photo by Volodymyr Hryshchenko on Unsplash |
Quick summary for those in a hurry
Charles Duhigg distinguishes between three types of conversations that run throughout the book, whereby all three types can occur in a single conversation:
- What is it really about?→ Decisions, emotions, …
- What feelings play a role? → “Deep” questions lead to greater connection.
- Who are we, what is our identity? → Check whether identities play a role in a conversation.
What makes someone a supercommunicator?
We all know people who are just easy to talk to. After a chat with them, you feel smarter, more understood and maybe even a little lighter.
That’s what Duhigg calls a supercommunicator.
These people don’t just talk. In a way, they sync with others. In group settings, they help everyone get on the same wavelength. They are somehow moderators who help others connect, not just with them, but with everyone who is part of the conversation.
How?
They ask questions. A lot of questions. They show empathy and tune into the emotional undercurrent of the conversation.
Three types of conversations
Here’s the big idea: not all conversations are the same. Duhigg breaks them down into three types:
- What’s This Really About? These are conversations about decisions, problems, goals, … and often they’re actually negotiations, even if they don’t seem like it on the surface.
- How Do We Feel? These are emotional conversations. They’re about connection, vulnerability, and empathy.
- Who Are We? These are identity-based conversations. They touch on values and roles and how we see ourselves and others.
Supercommunicators know how to spot which type of conversation they’re in and respond accordingly.
Rule #1: match the conversation type
One of my favorite examples from the book is a school where teachers ask students before a talk: “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?” That’s brilliant. It gets right to the heart of what kind of support someone needs.
Miscommunication often happens when we mismatch the type. Someone shares a personal struggle and we jump in with advice.
But maybe they just wanted to be heard.
So before you launch into the answer boiling on the tip of your tongue, take a breath and ask yourself: does this person want help, a hug, or just someone to nod dramatically and say “Wow, that does suck”?
Rule #2: ask deep questions
Duhigg encourages us to go beyond surface-level questions. Instead of asking “What’s your job?”, try “What do you love most about your job?” With this shift you give the other person more room to express emotion and their experiences. It’s not just about facts anymore.
The author also shares a fascinating study called the Fast Friends Procedure, where strangers build deep connections quickly by asking increasingly personal questions. Vulnerability creates closeness.
Rule #3: use looping to show you’re listening
Do you want to prove you’re really listening?
Try looping.
That means summarizing what the other person said in your own words. It’s not about repeating it like a parrot. It’s more about reflecting and shows you care and try to truly understand what the other person is saying. Furhtermore, it gives the speaker a chance to clarify.
This technique is especially powerful in conflict. There’s a famous study on married couples: those who stayed together didn’t try to control each other during arguments. Instead, they practiced self-control and shared control of the conversation.
Rule #4: explore identity when it matters
Some conversations are hard because they touch on identity: who we are, what we believe, and how we want to be seen. In these moments, it helps to set ground rules:
- No personal attacks.
- Questions are welcome.
- Everyone is part of the discussion.
Also, ask people what their goals are. Are they looking for emotional support? A practical plan? A sense of group unity? Naming these goals helps guide the conversation.
Real talk: why this matters
Whether you’re leading a team, building relationships, or just trying to be a better friend, Supercommunicators gives you a roadmap. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being intentional.
Here’s the process Charles Duhigg recommends:
- Figure out what the conversation is really about.
- Check if identity plays a role. If yes, set rules and clarify goals.
- Ask deep questions that invite emotion and connection.
Final Thought
The book ends with a powerful reminder: the longest-running study on happiness from Harvard found that strong relationships are the biggest predictor of health and success.
Not money.
Not status.
Just connection.
So next time you’re in a conversation, slow down. Listen. Ask better questions. And remember: it’s not about talking more. It’s about talking less, listen more and connecting deeper.