How to Negotiate Better (Learnings from the FBI)
I used to think negotiation was about compromise (as it’s taught in the. classic Getting to Yes). You know: meet in the middle, shake hands, move on. But then I read Never Split the Difference by Chris Voss, and it flipped that idea on its head.
Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, doesn’t deal in 50/50s. He deals in outcomes. And the tools he shares aren’t just for high-stakes standoffs. They’re surprisingly useful in everyday leadership, team dynamics, and even personal productivity.
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| Photo by Marija Zaric on Unsplash |
Here are a few of the biggest lessons that stuck with me.
Ask calibrated questions
Instead of yes/no questions, Voss recommends asking calibrated questions. These are open-ended prompts that start with “How” or “What”. These force the other person to think, reflect, and solve your problem for you.
For example:
- “How am I supposed to do that?”
- “What’s the biggest challenge you see here?”
It’s disarming.
It shifts the mental load.
And it keeps the conversation moving forward without much confrontation.
Your voice is a tool: use It
Voss breaks down three voice tones:
- Late-night FM DJ: calm, slow, reassuring. Use this most of the time.
- Playful/positive: friendly, curious. Great for building rapport.
- Assertive/direct: use sparingly, only when necessary.
I’ve started using the FM DJ voice in tense meetings. It’s amazing how much it de-escalates things.
Mirror. Label. Pause.
One of the most powerful tools?
Mirroring - repeating the last few words the other person said, with a slight upward inflection. It sounds simple, but it builds connection fast.
Pair that with labeling (“It sounds like you’re feeling…”) and strategic silence (yes, count to four), and you’ve got a recipe for deepening trust and drawing out more information.
People want autonomy, give them “no”
This one surprised me: letting someone say “No” actually makes them feel safe and in control. So instead of pushing for a “yes,” try reframing your ask:
- “Is now a bad time to talk?”
- “Would it be ridiculous to consider…?”
It’s counterintuitive, but it works.
Other tools to consider
- Accusation Audit: Acknowledge the negatives before the other person brings them up. It diffuses tension.
- Summarize, don’t just paraphrase: Combine paraphrasing with emotional labeling to show deep understanding.
- Deadlines & odd numbers: Use specific, non-round numbers when making offers. They feel more thought-through.
- Prospect Theory: People fear losses more than they value gains. Frame your message accordingly.
- Ask for help: “How can I make this work for you?” is more powerful than it sounds.
Bonus Insight: spotting lies
Voss also shares a fascinating tip: liars tend to use more third-person pronouns (“he,” “she,” “they”) and fewer “I” statements.
They’re distancing themselves from the lie.
It’s subtle, but once you know it, you start noticing it.