Matthias Karner

Digitalization & IT leader. Avid reader. Dedicated Writer. Engineering PhD. Productivity enthusiast.

5 minute read

Negotiation is everywhere.

Whether you’re closing a business deal, asking for a raise, or simply deciding on where to go for dinner, you’re negotiating. But here’s the thing: most people approach negotiation the wrong way. They think it’s about compromise, about meeting in the middle.

But what if I told you that splitting the difference often means leaving value on the table?

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Photo by FaLewis Fagg on Unsplash

Chris Voss, a former FBI hostage negotiator, breaks down the art of negotiation in his book Never Split the Difference. His insights are not just for high-stakes scenarios. They can help anyone get more of what they want in both professional and personal life.

In this article, I’ll follow up last week’s article on principled negotiation (Getting to Yes) with an approach the FBI uses in hostage negotiations popularized by Chris Voss in his book Never Split the Difference.

Quick Summary for those in a hurry

“Negotiation is nothing more than communication with results.“ - Chris Voss.

In Never Split the Difference, Chris Voss presents negotiation methods that he learned during his time as a hostage negotiator with the FBI and now teaches to companies and private individuals through his company Black Swan.

At the heart of these methods is the fact that emotions are an important element in negotiations. Chris Voss summarizes this as tactical empathy. These methods stand in contrast to well-known approaches such as principled negotiation, which focuses on leaving emotions out of negotiations.

1. Tactical empathy: make them feel understood

One of the most powerful tools in negotiation is not aggression, but empathy. Tactical empathy is about understanding the emotions and mindset of the other person and using that knowledge to influence them.

Voss emphasizes the importance of labeling emotions. Instead of arguing, acknowledge the other person’s feelings. For example, if a client is worried about budget constraints, you can say:

“It sounds like you’re concerned about staying within your budget.”

By verbalizing their concerns, you make them feel understood, which lowers their defenses and opens the door for collaboration.

How to Use This:

  • Listen actively and pay attention to emotions, not just words.
  • Label the other person’s feelings: “It seems like you’re frustrated with the timeline.”
  • Pause and let them process your words: silence can be powerful.

2. The power of “No”: get them to say it

Traditional negotiation advice tells you to get the other person to say yes as soon as possible. Voss argues the opposite: getting a no can be more effective. When people say no, they feel safe and in control, making them more open to real discussion.

Instead of asking “Do you have a moment to talk?”, try: “Is now a bad time to talk?”.

This small shift puts the other person in a position of power while still moving the conversation forward.

How to Use This:

  • Ask questions that encourage a no response to make people feel in control.
  • If someone is resisting, reframe the conversation: “Would it be ridiculous to consider a different approach?”
  • Respect the first no and use it as a stepping stone to uncover real concerns.

3. The “Mirroring” technique: instant rapport

One of the simplest and most effective tactics is mirroring. You might have heard of mirroring in the context of imitating the gesture of the person across the table, but in Never Split the Difference, Chriss Voss talks about verbal mirroring: repeating the last few words of what the other person just said.

This encourages them to elaborate and keeps the conversation flowing.

Example:

Them: “We just don’t have the budget for this project.”

You: “You don’t have the budget?”

By mirroring, you subtly prompt them to explain their position further, giving you valuable information without sounding pushy.

How to Use This:

  • Repeat the last few words in a calm, curious tone.
  • Let them fill in the gaps. People love to explain.
  • Use mirroring to uncover hidden objections and concerns.

4. The Accusation Audit: disarm before they attack

If you suspect someone has negative thoughts about you or your offer, address them upfront. This is called an Accusation Audit.

For example, if you’re negotiating a deal and you know the other person might think your price is too high, you can say:

“You probably think this offer is way out of your budget.”

By naming their objection before they do, you take the sting out of it and make them more receptive to your perspective.

How to Use This:

  • Identify the worst things they might be thinking.
  • State those things before they do.
  • Watch how this reduces tension and builds trust.

5. “That’s Right” vs. “You’re Right”

There’s a huge difference between hearing “You’re right” and “That’s right”. When someone says “You’re right”, they might just be trying to end the conversation. But when they say “That’s right”, it means they genuinely agree.

Your goal in negotiation is to get the other person to say “That’s right”. This means they feel truly understood and are more likely to cooperate.

How to Use This:

  • Summarize their perspective in a way that makes them feel heard.
  • Avoid pushing your point; instead, validate theirs.
  • If they say “You’re right”, reframe the discussion to get to “That’s right”.

6. The Black Swan effect: finding the hidden truth

In every negotiation, there are unknown factors like hidden motivations, fears, or external pressures. Voss calls these Black Swans. The key to uncovering them is deep listening and observation.

Ask questions like:

  • “What’s most important to you in this deal?”
  • “What would make this a win for you?”

By discovering their real drivers, you can adjust your strategy and find creative solutions that work for both parties.

How to Use This:

  • Look for unspoken needs or pressures influencing the other party.
  • Ask open-ended questions that encourage deeper conversation.
  • Stay flexible: sometimes the real issue is different than what it seems.

Final thoughts

The biggest takeaway from Never Split the Difference is that negotiation is not about winning or losing. It’s about understanding people.

When you approach negotiations with empathy, curiosity, and tactical patience, you don’t just get better deals. You build better relationships.

Whether you’re leading a team, closing a sale, or navigating daily decisions, these techniques will help you get better results while making the other person feel valued.

So, next time you’re in a negotiation, remember:

  • Listen more than you talk.
  • Make them feel understood.
  • Never settle for less than you deserve.

Now, go out there and negotiate like an FBI pro!

Thank you for reading my article on Never Split the Difference. If you are interested in the topic of negotiation, you can also check out my last week’s article on Getting to Yes. Next week I’ll publish a comparison-article of both methods. If you are interested, stay tuned!

Disclaimer: For this article, I used generative AI support. As a basis, I used my notes back from when I initially read the book. I used AI specifically for creating a first draft of an article based on these notes and then edited it manually.

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