A Deep Dive into The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck

One of the aspiring online writers/bloggers I personally look up to is Marc Manson.

With his articles, he created a big following. However, his major leap was his book “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck,”* in which he packs the core message “set the right priorities“in a great package: the book has tons of humor but also includes some easy-to-implement methods to increase productivity

Photo by Avi Richards on Unsplash

I very much enjoyed reading the book and finished it in just a few days. In this article, I want to share my core insights.

A quick summary for those in a hurry

So, Mark, what the fuck is the point of this book anyway? - Mark Manson

The core of the book is about prioritizing - taking a fuck for the important things and “not giving a fuck” to all the other stuff.

In The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck*, Mark Manson digs into why we also need to embrace negative emotions as they are often the basis for growth. And growth is important for happiness as well.

The most powerful thought that stuck with me, was: ”Take responsibility for everything that happens in life.“

Blaming others doesn‘t solve problems.

Only action does.

Positivity isn‘t always good.

When you think of your Instagram feed, you are flooded with positivity. Everyone wants to look beautiful and happy. But it is not only the case in Social Media - also in real life we try to stay positive and hide negative emotions.

The desire for a more positive experience is itself a negative experience. And, paradoxically, the acceptance of one’s negative experience is itself a positive experience. - Mark Manson

This can be disadvantageous on multiple levels: Mark Manson writes that pain (physical or psychological) is important as it can supercharge our learning.

We often think that happiness is some state of mind we get to once we achieve our goals. But it is not the achievement of a goal that makes us happy. Solving problems does.

It is about the process of problem-solving.

And the thing is: happiness is a constant work-in-progress because problems are a constant work in progress. If you solve a problem, new ones arise.

So, choose the problems you pick wisely.

Basically, the question is “What pain do we want in our lives?” rather than “How do we envision our dream life?” What Mark Manson means, is that we can only excel in one area if we enjoy experiencing the process (the pain).

Become exceptional

Mark Manson gives it very direct: „You are not special.“

Actually, very few people are truly exceptional.

But society makes us believe that everyone can be exceptional. However, this is a contradiction, because if everyone were exceptional, then actually no one would be exceptional. You only become exceptional at something when you accept that you are not good at it and are willing to keep improving: only practice makes perfect.

And you‘ll make mistakes. Naturally, things will go wrong at one point. And if they do, take responsibility.

If something doesn‘t go well, blaming someone else doesn‘t bring you forward. Acting upon it does. Don‘t be a victim and be paralyzed. It is your responsibility to deal with the situation in the best possible way.

You are always choosing something.

Mark Manson goes one step further: „You are wrong.“

And yes, actually we are wrong more often than we’d like to admit. But being wrong can be another root of growth. Manson summarizes it in three laws:

• Manson’s Law of Avoidance: “The more something threatens your identity, the more you will avoid it.”
• Buddhist wisdom - kill yourself: Self-image can get in the way when it comes to trying new things (that contradict your self-image) - people want to stay consistent.
• The failure/success paradox: It is only in our adult lives that we learn to avoid defeat. A child, for example, would never give up learning to walk after falling down a few times.
• Pain is part of the process: Pain (emotional) is often what makes us feel happy afterward. Just as physical stress (physical pain) is a necessity when building muscles, emotional pain makes us more resilient, better, and/or wiser. Studies by Dabrowski show, for example, that people who survived the Second World War were happier than before. Some described how they were able to appreciate the riches of everyday life much more after their horrific experiences.

Choice can be quite paradox. If we have a lot of options, we find it increasingly difficult to choose. The fear of not having made the best possible decision stays with us even after the decision. That’s why commitment is important: when we commit to a decision, we can let go of the alternatives. We are happier.

My core lessons from the book

• Not giving a fuck does not mean that things are indifferent. Rather, it means that we set priorities and care less about unimportant things.
• Happiness doesn’t emerge from achieving goals. On the contrary: we experience positive emotions (consistently) when we (consistently) solve problems (the hedonistic hamster wheel).
• Non-intuitive values that can lead to a better, happier life are …
  • Taking responsibility for everything that happens in life.
  • Recognizing your ignorance.
  • Recognizing your own mistakes and the will to improve them.
  • Hearing no and saying no yourself.
  • Admitting your mortality.
• Life is like poker: you can’t choose which cards you get - some get better cards, and some get worse cards. But you can always choose what you do with the cards you got.
• VCR questions: These are questions that any outsider can answer easily, but which are very difficult for oneself (because they are associated with emotional pain). The rule is: just do it.
• We shouldn‘t shy away from making emotionally challenging decisions, because emotional pain makes us grow and growth leads to satisfaction.
• And, I want to end my article with a very powerful lesson: action is not only the result of motivation but also its cause.