Leadership Lessons From a Parenting Book

This sounds awkward, right? How can you draw lessons for leadership from a book about parenting?

And yes, this had been my first thought as well after reading about it in an article by Ryan Holiday.  It seems wrong to compare grown-up team members to kids. But I thought: as a fresh parent and a manager of a team, there might be something to it and read Good Inside by Dr. Becky.

Photo by Allen Taylor on Unsplash

I have to admit: Ryan Holiday was right! There are indeed some valuable leadership lessons inside.

In this article, I want to share my learnings with you.

The underlying message

The core lesson of the book is that kids are good inside.

If our children do something ”bad”, it is only because they see the world differently than us adults.

That’s why we should always choose the most generous interpretation (MGI) when we judge our children’s behavior. They are good kids misjudging their environment. Their (to us) negative behavior is just an expression of their needs and not an expression of their identity.

But isn’t that fairly similar in leadership as well?

We are all seeing the world a bit differently.

We have different priorities based on our values, experiences, and our upbringing. What is highly important to one person is only of secondary importance to another.

That’s why I find the concept of MGI so exciting.

It helps us to stay positive. Even if we can’t comprehend someone else’s decisions or attitudes with our own map, it’s still a very positive thought to know that the other person has only acted ”well” from their point of view.

I mean yes, some act just to harm others. But those are outliers. The majority of people are “good inside”.

7 leadership lessons

(1) The most generous interpretation

MGI has a great attitude.

If an employee does something ”bad”, you can take it personally. You can yell at them and blame them for making a mistake. (Please don’t!) This can lead to long and unpleasant discussions. Such discussions are most likely not productive and don’t solve the underlying problems at all.

Or you can try to re-frame the situation and ask yourself: “What is the most generous interpretation of what happened?”

This helps you to step out of your personal rule book and see the situation differently. You don’t have to understand it completely, because two different things can be true at the same time. But more on that in the next lesson.

And don’t get me wrong: as a leader, you need to be strict, but you can be strict and understanding at the same time!

(2) Two things are true

This rule really resonated with me.

Essentially, the method means that we do not present our truth (as leaders or parents) as the only truth that exists. Instead, we acknowledge the viewpoints and feelings of our counterparts. Examples are:

• Keeping boundaries in a conflict.
• Getting out of a power struggle: explaining what is behind the leadership / parental decision and acknowledging the standpoint/feelings of our counterpart (they don’t want to be patronized).
• In response to rudeness: show understanding for the feelings, but also show that the language/behavior is not okay.

(3) Emotional capital

Essentially, emotional capital is a metric to measure the connection to another person.

Emotional capital works similarly to capital in the form of assets and stocks. You can spend capital (e.g. demanding rules, delegating unwanted tasks, …), but before you spend capital, you first need to acquire it.

Methods to acquire emotional capital are:

• Laughing is very important. Someone afraid cannot lough. So laughing is a sign that someone feels safe. Think about this in the work setting: which colleagues do you prefer to work with (and get more done): those with whom you get on well and can have fun, or those with whom you only work ”professionally”?
• The ”Did I ever tell you about the time …“ method can be very helpful. This is very true in the context of parenting but can be effective in leadership as well. Oftentimes there are experiences you as a leader already made and can share with your team if they are struggling. Thereby, it is especially important to share your state of mind and your feelings when you go through a particular situation.
• It’s never too late to apologize. If you do it right, it can even strengthen a relationship and build emotional capital:
  • Reflect
  • Acknowledge
  • What will we do differently next time?
  • Curiosity (how was the situation experienced?)

(4) Our job as leaders/parents

What is our job as parents?

First of all our job is to keep our kids safe. Of course, we want them to be happy as much as possible, but we also want to raise them in a way that builds resilience in them so that they can deal with all the challenges that life has in store.

Therefore, immediately distracting them when they are feeling bad isn’t the best thing to do in the long term. If we let our kids experience those bad feelings as well, this strengthens their self-confidence and their ability to deal with challenges themselves.

What is our job as leaders?

Our main job is that our team feels safe.

In a stressful environment where you are constantly afraid of being fired if you are making a mistake, nobody will take risks. But to be innovative a team needs to feel safe.

Besides creating a safe environment our job as leaders is to motivate our team to go beyond their current understanding, to be curious and eager to learn.

(5) Remove fear

Anxiety and fear are shutting down our logical thinking. If we then feel alone with our fear, it only makes things worse.

How do deal with that in our workplace?

If someone in your team makes a mistake, don’t blame them. Encourage them to try again and learn from what went wrong. This builds emotional capital and a feeling of being safe.

(6) Psychological safety

Shame is a strong feeling.

Let’s start with an example from parenting.

If a child refuses to apologize for something (e.g. hiding their little sister’s favorite stuffed animal), then this is a shame. The child cannot apologize because then it would be admitting to having done something very bad. This in turn would mean that the child believes that they are bad - so bad that they are unlovable. Therefore, the reaction is a freeze - the child refuses to apologize.

In such situations, we as parents should minimize the shame.

The opposite of shame is connection. With the mantra ‘connection first’, we can overcome shame in many situations.

How can we translate this to our workplace?

It seems to me that there is a common thread running through this article, but the same applies here: create a safe workplace.

It’s ok to make mistakes.

But it’s not OK if you don’t admit those mistakes (after all, then they can’t be fixed).

I recently read Think Again by Adam Grant and he draws a similar conclusion. Learning cultures have one prerequisite: Employees must feel ”psychologically safe”. Only then will they be prepared to take risks and make mistakes from which they can learn collectively.

Studies show that although psychologically safe teams report more mistakes, they actually make fewer mistakes. In psychologically insecure teams, mistakes tend to be covered up (to avoid getting into trouble).

How do you create an environment of psychological safety?

Psychological safety is not a question of relaxing norms, comfort, kindness, or unconditional praise.

It is about creating a climate of respect, trust, and openness in which people can voice concerns and suggestions without fear of reprisal.

(7) Be strict but understanding

Everyone makes mistakes and it doesn’t help if you as a parent or manager overlook all mistakes. After all, it is our job to create an environment in which others can grow. This requires constructive criticism.

As a leader, you don’t have to let your team dance around your nose. Just like as parents, you must set boundaries and enforce them. However, if things escalate, you can still control your reaction.

Instead of having a choleric tantrum, you can …

• choose the most generous interpretation
• view the standpoint of your counterpart
• remove fear and build an environment of psychological safety
• and encourage them to try again, learn and grow.

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Thank you for reading! What are your thoughts on the applicability of parenting lessons in the realm of leadership? I’d be thrilled to learn about what you think!